One of the cornerstones of human relationships is embodied in a single word: conversation. Girls and women, more than boys and men, connect emotionally through spoken words. When communication breaks down between them and people they love, females are often wounded and frustrated. Girls often feel abandoned by fathers who won't engage them verbally.
You'll remember that two of the Institute women addressed this issue through their tears. One said that her dad was completely disinterested in who she was or what she was doing. Another said her father "didn't know how to communicate at all," and as a result, she has never understood what intimacy is all about. She never witnessed or experienced it.
Every professional counselor has heard similar personal accounts. Females of all ages tend to interpret masculine silence as evidence of rejection. Based on this understanding, the best thing dads can do to connect with their daughters is to talk to them about whatever is of interest. Ask questions and then listen carefully to what is said in return. This interaction helps to produce the affirmation I have been describing. Meaningful and affectionate dialogue with a daughter is evidence that she is worthy, secure, and loved. Those beneficial effects can be achieved so easily through simple, genuine conversation.
Touch is another point of connection that is essential to girls. Just like their mothers, our daughters need to be hugged regularly, perhaps every day. Hugging is easy to do when girls are young and they see their daddies as champions and best buddies. However, with the arrival of puberty and evidences of sexual maturation, fathers often feel uneasy and tend to avoid physical contact. Girls can read that discomfort with the accuracy of a laser.5
During our discussion with the students, one girl gave us a textbook example of the way fathers often respond to their daughters during puberty and adolescence. It is worth repeating:
When I was going from a child to a woman—experiencing puberty—my dad just totally stepped back from me. It was as though he no longer knew how to relate to me. But it was a time when I desperately needed him in my life.
The awkwardness of this girl's father, I would guess, was related to her breast development and womanly appearance. Some fourteen- or fifteen-year-old girls already have the bodies of women, and their dads are not supposed to notice—but they do. A loving father is afraid he will touch her in the wrong place or otherwise offend her. So he tries to keep a discreet distance.
On the other side of the ledger, a girl who has wrestled with her father and hugged and kissed him throughout childhood can't possibly understand why he leans away now when she throws her arms around him. One commentator called that "the leaning tower of Pisa." There is no way a father can explain what is making him nervous. His attraction to her is involuntary and usually quite innocent. What makes the situation worse is that younger children in the family, both boys and girls, still snuggle up to Dad and tell him they love him. The budding teenager sees that affection and wants to cry over what she has lost.
The Institute student observed her father stepping back from her, and it was natural for her to conclude that "Daddy doesn't love me anymore." That scenario has been enacted by millions of fathers and daughters around the world.
I want to say to all these dads emphatically that your pubescent and adolescent girls are going through a time of great insecurity. They desperately need you now. You are their protector and their source of stability. Your love now is critical to their ability to cope with the rejection, hurt, and fears that are coming at them from their peers. Hugs are needed now more than ever.
I urge fathers to continue providing the physical contact that was appropriate during earlier childhood. It should not be sexual in nature, of course, but a loving, fatherly response is still vital. The last thing you want to convey now, even inadvertently, is that your love has melted away. So hide the awkwardness, Dad, and hug your kid like you did when she was six!
I received an early lesson on the importance of touch when my son and daughter were three and seven years of age, respectively. Danae has always been very physical with me from her earliest childhood. When I watched a televised football game on a Saturday afternoon, she often climbed on me with her Barbie doll and played on my lap. Then she would move around to my back and climb on my shoulders. When the USC Trojans scored a touchdown, she would giggle and hang on for dear life as I danced around. She was always Daddy's little girl.
But then Danae and Ryan both came down with the chicken pox. Lucky me! I had never had the disease, and I assure you, I didn't want it! Chicken pox can be a nightmare when contracted as a grown adult. Therefore, I scrupulously avoided both my kids for five days. I tried to disguise what I was doing, but my daughter figured it out. Finally, she went crying to her mom and said, "Daddy won't touch me anymore."
That felt like a knife in my heart. It also told me that my daughter still needed physical contact with me. It was one of the ways I affirmed my love for her. As soon as she began to get well, I wrapped my arms around her again. That object lesson was very useful to me later when Danae began to develop. By the way, I didn't come down with the chicken pox and still haven't had it. I'm saving the experience until I am about eighty so everyone will feel sorry for me.
To dads, let me say, "Just keep doin' watcha been doin'." And keep your tower straight! Your daughter will notice if it is leaning.
Here's a final suggestion, another simple one that is still effective. Dads who want to connect with their little girls, and even those who are not so little, need to spend one-on-one time with them. It is an excellent way to knock down barriers and build bridges. Take your daughter somewhere she will like, such as out to breakfast or dinner. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just make it a quiet time together when the two of you can sit and talk. Play miniature golf together, or check out a DVD at the library that the two of you can watch at home. If your daughter is younger, go to a kids' movie or a theme park. Put these activities on the calendar, and do not let the dates get canceled or postponed. Never leave kids wondering why you didn't show up and didn't even call. That can be more painful to a girl than not promising in the first place.
Once adolescence comes crashing on the scene, your teenager may be embarrassed to be seen with you. That's okay. Play by her rules, whatever they are.
Never forget that girls are made out of the same stuff their mothers are. Put sweet little notes and cards in your daughter's coat pocket or in her shoe. Write a short prayer and put it under her pillow. Girls love flowers. It's in their DNA! They beam when you express pride to others about them. Look for anything that will bring your daughter into your world or you into hers. While you are at it, tell her you love her every time you are together. You will be her hero forever.
5.Meeker, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, 96; Debra Haffner, Beyond the Big Talk: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens—from Middle School to High School and Beyond (NewYork: Newmarket Press, 2001).
Book: Bringing Up Girls
By Dr. James Dobson