Roger Marsh: The relationship between fathers and sons is a very special one. Despite the importance of moms, really no one can replace a boy's need to have dad in his life and when that bond is broken or non-existent, a child can develop a deep emotional wound. On today's edition of Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk, we'll be addressing the necessity of fathers through a classic presentation from Dr. Dobson's Bringing Up Boys series. Its timeless message focuses on the lessons and characteristics a boy can learn only from his father.
Dr. Dobson drills down on this core principle while also sharing humorous stories from his young adulthood, as well. Now, these words were recorded some time ago, but the wisdom remains very practical for every parent listening even today. Here now is an excerpt from Dr. Dobson's Bringing Up Boys series on this edition of Family Talk.
Dr. Dobson: Well, we have been talking about Bringing Up Boys, the subject for my book. Been talking about how they are unique, how they think, how to raise them properly, and how to make the most of their masculinity, how to help boys know that they are men or can become men. It's a very important subject and one that I really enjoy talking about it. I loved writing this book, but it's also a fun topic to deal with. Now what I want to do today is talk about the adolescent experience and how it relates, especially to their fathers. We'll start there and then go on from that point to talk about the relationship with their mothers. When I was 17 years of age, my father bought a new car. It's a big deal in our family. It was a big deal in our little town. Bought a 1953 Ford.
It was beautiful. It was blue-green. I loved that car. My dad allowed me to drive it one day, which was a mistake. I was 17 years old, hadn't been driving very long. It was lunchtime and I asked him if I could take it to go get something to eat. He said yes, so I took off. I went to eat and when I was coming back I noticed that my fellow students were on the street. It was lunchtime. So there were a lot of kids out there and this gave me a great opportunity to show off. I just thought it would be also a great opportunity for me to test a theory about physics that I had always wanted to investigate. See, I had seen a guy named Joey Chitwood at the state fair. Joey was the Evel Knievel of that day and he was flying through the air with his cars. That seemed like a pretty neat thing to me.
I figured that I might get that car off the ground too, if I did it right. In our little town there were two big bumps at the corners to accommodate the flash floods that came through town. I thought if I hit those fast enough, I would fly over them. It made sense. Joey did it. Why couldn't I do it? So I backed up about three blocks. I mean these things were about three feet deep. They were big bumps on both sides. And so I got going about 60 miles an hour and I hit that first bump. I'm telling you, my head went into the headboard and the whole car convulsed. I mean the front and the back hit the bottom and then I careened into the second bump and, kaboom, it hit again. It shocked me. I had no idea that was going to happen. The whole car shuddered. My Texas friends were awestruck. That was about the neatest thing they ever saw.
They said, "Look at that. He got air under his tires." Well, I really didn't get a lot of air under my tires, but I sure shook up that car and shook myself up pretty good. I went on home. I left the car in the driveway and didn't say anything obviously, didn't tell my dad about this. About, I suppose, two weeks later my dad came to me and he said, "Bo," which is what he called me when he was pretty serious. He said, "Bo, I just took the car in, had it checked, had it serviced, and all four shocks are blown." He said, "These things are shredded." He says, "It's a new car and shocks usually wear out a little bit at a time. They're all gone. They're just absolutely shredded. Do you have any idea how this might have happened?"
The only thing that saved me was that for a split second, I couldn't remember having done it. He would have killed me. He would have absolutely killed me. So I said no and he accepted that. And then about two weeks later, I got in the car and I was driving off. I went a short distance and the steering post broke off and the steering wheel had no relationship to the wheels at all. I went into a curb and bounced over the curb. If I'd have been going faster, I could have killed somebody, namely me. That was strange. A new car, why would that happen? It was several months before I let myself remember that I not only blew those four shocks, but I probably cracked the steering post on that new Ford. Who knows how else I messed up my dad's car on that occasion?
Now, by the time I figured out that I had done it, the statute of limitations had run on the crime and I didn't see any reason to bring it up again. My dad never asked me again. He went to his grave not knowing that I had destroyed his new car. Boys have an ability to frustrate the very souls of their dads. And yet, and yet, never has it been more clear than it is right now that fathers, and if not fathers, a father substitute, are absolutely critical to the health and wellbeing and the development of boys. Yes, they frustrate us. They lose our cameras. They drop our binoculars. They mess up our workbenches. They frustrate us in a lot of ways, but they are critically important.
Now, in the 1950s it was believed that poverty caused juvenile delinquency, gang behavior, young violence, and other things. It was thought that that came from poverty. That is now discredited. That's no longer believed. It's now realized that the primary problem with juvenile delinquency, and I used to serve on a commission on juvenile delinquency at the request of President Reagan. So I've spent a lot of time studying this. It is now known that juvenile delinquency and all of the violence and gang behavior and everything else is caused primarily by the absence of fathers. In this culture today, that is the case. That's what's happening. Now, why are fathers so important?
The reason is because of male role modeling, obviously. A woman cannot teach a boy what it means to be a man. A man has to do that job, one who is committed to that lad, to that boy. He needs to teach him character. He needs to teach him how to work. He needs to teach him how to live an honest life, to be a man of his own word, needs to teach him self-discipline. Those things are best taught by a man in a relationship with his son. There are four things that a father needs to teach his son about the future responsibility he will hold as an adult, particularly if he is in a family situation. All four of these are controversial. All four of them are under attack. There's been great consternation over these four principles, these four understandings, and yet all four of them are linked to scripture.
You can find every one of them in scripture. The first is that a boy needs to understand that he is to be the provider for his family. Now, that does not mean that his wife may not work. She may make more than he. But the primary responsibility for the provision of his family, for the material needs that his family has, rests with the male, the father, the husband in the relationship. This, again, is controversial and young people don't know this. Many young people don't. But it is very common today for a guy to drive over and pick up a girl. He may not call before he chooses to come over. He may honk the horn and she comes out. They go out to eat or go to a show or whatever they're going to do and he expects her to pay for it.
That's not the way it's supposed to work. You need to teach your sons that that's not the way that it's supposed to work. The guy is supposed to care for and provide for the girl and, later, his wife. The second is the matter of protection. Here we get into another very archaic notion, but let me tell you the way I was raised. When I was with a girl on a date and we were walking down the street, I was taught that I was to walk on the street side near the cars. Why? Because it was symbolic of my responsibility to take care of her. You need to tell your kids that. You need to tell your boys that, that this is a responsibility that they're going to have. The scripture refers to our caring about our wives, husbands loving their wives to the point of death, if necessary. The responsibility is to care for her.
When you go back to provision, or to provide for, the Apostle Paul said that if a man won't provide for his family, he's worse than an unbeliever. He's worse than an infidel. This is an important principle. You need to teach this to your kids and fathers are in the best position to do this. The third is a matter of leadership. Boy, you talk about a controversial issue here. But a man is responsible to lead his family. I'm not talking about being dictatorial. I'm not talking about ruling with an iron fist. I'm talking about servant leadership. This is what a man is supposed to do and to care for and lead his family. The fourth is to be a spiritual mentor to the family. This is the man's responsibility. I can't tell you how many women have come up to me with a question about family life and said, "The most frustrating thing in our family is my husband will not accept spiritual leadership at home."
And yet, that is a role that he is supposed to accept. You can begin to teach your kids about that ultimate role and how they are to function within a family. Really, as I said before, only a man can teach a boy how to do that. There is a very, very important point here that I hope I can get across, and it is called detachment and differentiation. In other words, a boy detaches from his mother and then begins to accept the role model that he sees in the father. The father really needs to entice the boy away from the feminine characteristics in the mother and began to teach him to identify with the masculine model. Now, folks, listen to me. It is now believed that homosexuality is very typically rooted in the failure to accomplish that differentiation. When you see individuals who are very, very feminine and you go back and you look at the early child development characteristics, you will see a failure to make that change.
I've been very blessed from the early days with a memory of my childhood. Would you believe that I recall that change taking place? Now, I couldn't have used these words and I didn't understand it. But I knew that I was pulling back from my mother and toward my father between two and three years of age. I was born Cesarean section 1936 and my mother was not able to have any more children because in those days they thought you could die if you had more than one child by Cesarean section, so I was an only child. I was the whole world to my mother. She didn't even want children before I was born and, once I was born, I became a centerpiece of her life. At two to three years of age, I became aware that she was smothering me a little bit too much. Can you believe that? I recall that. One day she had her arms around me and she was kissing me and I said to her, "I think that's silly."
My mother's a very bright lady and she got it. She instantly said, "So do I," and she backed off. But what was happening was that I was moving away from my mother and toward my dad. And then my dad and I bonded in a very different way. That's why fathers need to be there. When they're not there, when they're rejecting, when they're harsh, when they're completely absent, when they work too hard, when they're not part of the scene, it is very typical during that time for boys to get confused about that role. Some of them almost consciously choose to stay within the safety of that feminine relationship instead of doing the hard work of changing and moving in the direction of a masculine role model. Many men today do not know what it means to be a man.
They don't know what masculinity's all about. And the reason they don't is they've never been taught and they never seen it. In our culture in particular, everything masculine is under attack. There is this assault on masculinity. Many fathers feel that they should not be very physical with their boys because maybe that's the source of homosexuality, and it's not. You need to be physical. Put your arms around him. Tell him that you love him. Tell him you're proud of him. Call him your son. "You are my son." There aren't very many people. Only three of you or two or one who can say that. Hug him. Fathers, you are in a very critical role during that period between 18 months and five years. It will be important later. It'll be important in the adolescent years, as we talked about just a minute ago, but especially in that four-year window, you really do need to be on the scene.
Roger Marsh: Well, what a critical lesson for every father who's listening to us today to remember quality time with your kids, especially your sons, is very important. I'm Roger Marsh and you've been listening to a classic presentation from the Bringing Up Boys teaching series here on Family Talk. Now before we get back to the remainder of today's broadcast, I want to quickly remind you that if you missed a past show or would like to give a broadcast to someone, request an audio CD. We can easily send you a physical copy straight to your door. Simply click on the order a CD button on the broadcast page at drjamesdobson.org for whichever program you'd like.
You can go online or you can call our offices at (877) 732-6825 and a member of our team will be happy to assist you. Again, that number to call is (877) 732-6825. With that, let's get back now to this timeless edition of Family Talk. As we rejoin the broadcast, you'll hear Dr. Dobson's Q&A session with the audience in attendance that day. Let's take a listen.
Laura: I just wanted to thank you because as a woman who is dating right now and looking for my possible mate, it hurts to know that you have to plan how much money you're going to take with you on a date. Many times on dates, you don't know if you're going to be protected and that always hurts. A lot of times they refer, "Well, if I'm going to pay for this, then later on in the night ..." And then it's just cut to the chase in the beginning and then you go home.
Dr. Dobson: Okay. You get stuck once. How about twice?
Laura: With the same person?
Dr. Dobson: Yeah. Would you go out with that person again?
Laura: No. That was the last date.
Dr. Dobson: That's it. That's it. Do you agree that you ought to object to that? Do you object to it?
Laura: I think that if I knew better how to, I probably would, but-
Dr. Dobson: Yeah, so you just go along with it.
Laura: My nature is to just go along and then not go out with him again.
Dr. Dobson: Yeah. How about those that don't call in advance but just sort of expect you to be ready?
Laura: That's not going to happen. My mom told me once she will never let me go out with a guy that honks in the driveway. "You won't walk out that door, Laura, if he honks."
Dr. Dobson: Let's hear it for her mother. Take the microphone. Respond to this.
Woman 2: I would say the same thing. I heard some stuff when I was growing up. Boys should call by Monday, at least Tuesday, if you're going to go out by Friday. I think that's really been lost. I think a preciousness of being taken care of and being appreciated for who you are and just being valued, I think that's being lost a lot.
Dr. Dobson: Let me ask the guys who are here. Give him the microphone. Okay. How would you feel about a girl calling you and asking for a date?
Man 1: I don't think I would like it very much. I think it kind of robs ... If a girl called me and was interested in asking me out, I think it would rob me of my just internal desire to be the one who instigates relationship.
Dr. Dobson: Does that happen?
Man 1: Do you mean a girl calling and asking me out? Heck yeah. No, I'm joking. It has happened before, but it was mostly with friends and it was never with someone that I wasn't comfortable enough to say, "Yeah, we'll go get ice cream or something like that." But I'd like also to comment on just, I don't think all of the hope is lost. I mean I have an incredible family. My father is one who wasn't just spiritual leader. I mean I'm in a male-dominated household and me and my brothers and my dad would just sit around and just grunt ... Because that's just being a man.
Dr. Dobson: Well, that's sure impressive.
Man 1: We would do this, but at the same time I would walk in on my parents on their knees by their bed praying for their kids. My father was one who I could watch him cry. He was one that stepped out and not only was interested in me developing as a male, but he discipled me to follow Jesus Christ. I mean my dad is the most incredible man that I've ever met.
Dr. Dobson: I'd like to meet your dad. I sure would.
Man 1: You really need to, seriously. Just to see the unity and the bond. It's encouraging for me to see that, man, not all the hope is lost.
Dr. Dobson: Absolutely.
Man 1: We're raising up men, godly men, in this nation. I'm excited about the next generation.
Dr. Dobson: Well, you're a very fortunate young man, I can tell you that. Let me ask you this, were you taught to open a door for a woman?
Man 1: Absolutely. When you were talking about walking on the curb and then if you're walking a lady down the stairs to walk a step in front of her in case she stumbles and falls, you're there to catch, to open doors to the car, to open the door for the car and then walk around to open doors to the restaurant-
Dr. Dobson: You know what?
Man 1: Pull out chairs too.
Dr. Dobson: There are a lot of women who'd like to find you.
Man 1: Well, I got in serious if I didn't, just growing up.
Dr. Dobson: Let me ask the others of you. This is wonderful stuff. Tell me, in a formal situation, we're not talking about McDonald's now, in a formal situation, would you help your date with her chair?
Man 2: Yeah. I think that would be a good way of showing respect and a consideration for a date. I don't know. I probably forget a lot of times because either we're sitting in a booth-
Dr. Dobson: Well, don't you ever forget it again. Okay.
Man 2: I promise, girls.
Roger Marsh: Well, that was our host, Dr. James Dobson, interacting with the studio audience during his Bringing Up Boys series and we've been privileged to present it to you today here on Family Talk. This was a fascinating discussion about fatherhood and why society has expected less from men over the years. You can learn more about this classic program by visiting our broadcast page at drjamesdobson.org. Once you're there, you will also see a link to our helpful Bringing Up Boys bundle. Now, this resource includes Dr. Dobson's popular work, Bringing Up Boys, and also the hour-long teaching DVD.
With the growing resentment toward men and manliness in the culture today, you need these tools to help shape your son's character. Discover how to encourage a boy's masculinity and what it means to raise him on biblical principles. Order your Bringing Up Boys bundle today by visiting our broadcast page at drjamesdobson.org. Again, that's drjamesdobson.org and then click onto the broadcast tab. Well, thanks so much for tuning in today and be sure to join us again tomorrow to hear the conclusion of Dr. Dobson's classic Bringing Up Boys presentation. I'm Roger Marsh. Thanks so much for listening to this edition of Family Talk and we'll talk with you again next time.
Announcer: This has been a presentation of the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute.
Dr. Tim Clinton: This is Dr. Tim Clinton, executive director of the James Dobson Family Institute. Thanks for listening today. We hope you found this program helpful and encouraging. Please remember that our ministry is here to serve you and your family. For more information about our programs and resources or to learn how you can support us, go to drjamesdobson.org. That's drjamesdobson.org. Or call us toll free, (877) 732-6825. I pray that God will bless you in 2020, and as we start the new year, we're so grateful for your partnership. We ask you to stand with us and to continue to defend the Christian values in an ever-changing culture. Thanks again for joining us. We hope you'll join us again on the next edition of Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk.
Roger Marsh: Hello everyone. Roger Marsh here for Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk. The news comes in all shapes, sizes, and formats these days, but how do you cut through all the noise and get to the heart of the matters that affect your family? Well, come to Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk and sign up for Dr. Dobson's monthly newsletter. You'll find clarity on tough issues, encouragement for daily life and trusted principles to help you build strong, healthy, and connected families. Go to drjamesdobson.org and sign up today. That's drjamesdobson.org.