Let's talk about the monthly cycle and how it influences the female mind and body. It is impossible to comprehend how a teen girl feels about herself, about her family, about her life, and about her peers without considering the impact of her cycle and the fluctuating hormones that drive it. I refer to that physiological and emotional oscillation as "the seasons of a woman's month."14
Note that every woman is different, and some individuals experience and exhibit these characteristics more than others. The description that follows is also more typical of adolescents and younger women than those who are more mature. This, however, is the way the system usually works.
The first week after a menstrual period might be considered the springtime of the month. Estrogen levels are on the rise, producing surging amounts of energy, ambition, and optimism. The world looks bright, and the mood is upbeat. Neurotransmitters in the brain, including serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, are more active, facilitating thought, memory, and intellectual capability. It is a most pleasant time of the month.15
I'm reminded of the commercial for a brand of margarine that aired endlessly. It exclaimed, "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." Likewise, everything seems better when estrogen is "moving on up."
Summertime arrives during the second week of the menstrual month. Estrogen reaches its peak and then levels off. A pubescent or adolescent girl in this phase remains energetic, but she paces herself more moderately. She is still confident, creative, and, depending on other circumstances, might be euphoric. It takes a great deal to upset or worry her, and she wishes every day could be like these waning days of summer. Alas, they will soon be a memory. Estrogen is about to take a nosedive.
Then comes the fall. About midcycle, during the start of the third week, a young woman experiences ovulation and her time of fertility. Estrogen levels then rebound for a few days. These developments coincide with her peak of sexual desire. It is also during this week that she feels deep devotion, affection, and closeness for the boy or man she loves. Two hormones are influential in producing those responses. The first is testosterone, the male sex hormone, and the other is progesterone, called "the bonding hormone." Progesterone makes a girl feel close to the one she believes she loves. We can say with a smile that there is a God-designed "conspiracy" at work here to assure the propagation of the human race. You and I would not have existed without it.
Progesterone levels continue to rise at this time. This hormone has two primary functions related to fertility. First, it counteracts the influence of estrogen. Conception cannot occur in the presence of high levels of estrogen. Second, progesterone produces the "fertile soil" of a thickened uterine lining.
Then comes the winter. Estrogen levels continue to plummet in this fourth week. So do progesterone and endorphins. As a result, a girl's mood darkens and she becomes more "within herself." These hormonal changes are very toxic to the brain and can create depression and foreboding, low self-esteem, hypersensitivity, sadness, and anger. Also, she typically feels unloved and insecure. She may sense she is "in a fog" and may walk into a room and not remember why she is there. Even her performance in school can be affected. Alas, she is experiencing the symptoms known around the world as premenstrual syndrome. It is followed in about three days by a period, with its cramping, bloating, and malaise.
And so ends the four-week cycle. It is followed quickly by a surge of estrogen and the return of good times.
I wish I had understood the emotional characteristic of the menstrual cycle when Shirley and I were first married. We had a wonderful relationship following the fun and laughter of college life and three years of courtship. Nevertheless, there was so much about her that I had to learn through "on-the-job training." There was a recurring conversation that we came to call "the talk." It would typically occur late at night when she couldn't sleep. Then my wife, whom I adored, would begin telling me how I wasn't meeting her needs for love and affection, and that I had become too busy for her. Sometimes she would cry, and at other times she would be angry. It bewildered me, because there had been no change in our relationship that I could identify. Those were good days in our lives, and I had no idea what I had done to reject or hurt her. "The talk" was not precipitated, as far as I could tell, by fights or marital disagreements. I was just a young husband who wanted to please his wife. I remember saying repeatedly, "Shirley, for Pete's sake, I want the same thing you want. Why are we having this conversation again?"
I eventually cracked the code. Her irritation had very little to do with me, although a man can always be more caring and considerate. But that was not the problem. Shirley was apparently experiencing the fall and winter of her month. That's when I realized what she needed in those times. My job was not to explain or promise or get angry in response. I needed to simply hold my wife close, tell her how much I loved her, and listen as she talked. That was enough.
Your pubescent daughter has the same need. When she is wailing and complaining and despairing over this or that, she needs attachment. She needs comfort and love. And she needs a few more days to move on past the winter and into the sunlight of the spring. Sounds easy, right? It ain't.
14.Michael Gurian discusses an idea similar to this in his book The Wonder of Girls, 83–84.
15. Ibid.,83.
16.I. F. Bielsky and L. J. Young, "Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and Social Recognition and Reduction in Anxiety-Like Behavior in Vasopressin V1a Receptor Knockout Mice," Neuropsychopharmacology 29, no. 3 (2004): 483–493; C. S. Carter, "Developmental Consequences of Oxytocin," Physiology and Behavior 79, no. 3 (2003): 383–397.
17. Ibid.
Book: Bringing Up Girls
By Dr. James Dobson