Being Sensitive to Sensitive Children

Question: I made a little offhanded comment the other day about my daughter's hair, and she cried for an hour. I didn't mean to hurt her. I guess she's just more sensitive than I thought. Do I have to walk on eggshells around her?

Answer: You should always be mindful that your daughter is listening to what you say about her and that she's "reading" the subtle attitudes that you might like to conceal. Kids are extremely sensitive to their parents' love and respect. That's why adults must learn to guard what they say in their presence. Many times I have been consulted by a mother regarding a particular problem her child is having. As Mom describes the details of the boy or girl's problems, I notice that the subject of all this conversation is standing about a yard behind her. His ears are ten feet tall as he listens to a candid description of all his faults. The child may remember that conversation for a lifetime.

Parents often inadvertently convey disrespect to a child whom they genuinely love. For example, Mom may become tense and nervous when little Jimmy speaks to guests or outsiders. She butts in to explain what he is trying to say or laughs nervously when his remarks sound foolish. When someone asks him a direct question, she interrupts and answers for him. She reveals her frustration when she is trying to comb her daughter's hair or make her "look nice" for an important event. The daughter knows Mom thinks it is an impossible assignment. If the daughter is to spend a weekend away from the family, the mother gives her an extended lecture on how to avoid making a fool of herself. These subtle behaviors are signals to the child that the mother doesn't trust him or her with her image and that he or she must be supervised closely to avoid embarrassing the whole family. He or she reads disrespect in her manner, though it is framed in genuine love.

The first step in building a strong self-concept in your daughter is to be very careful what you say and do in her presence. Be particularly cautious about the matters of physical attractiveness and intelligence. These are two primary "soft spots" where boys and girls are most vulnerable.

By Dr. James Dobson