Question: It is hard for me to admit that I have very little respect for my husband. He has never succeeded at much of anything, and he is not a leader inour home. I try to conceal that attitude toward him at home, but itisdifficult. What can I do if I just don't think he is worthy of my admiration?
Answer: I think you already know what my answer will be, but I will share it anyway. You as a mother hold the keys to the relationship between your boys and their father. If you show respect to him as a man, they will be more inclined to admire and emulate him. If you think he is a wimp or a dope or a loser, those attitudes will translate directly into their interaction. In one of my earlier books, I shared a personal story written by Lewis Yablonsky that bears repeating because it graphically illustrates this point. This is what he wrote about his browbeaten dad in his book Fathers and Sons:
I vividly recall sitting at the dinner table with my two brothers andfather and mother and cringing at my mother's attacks on my father. "Look at him," she would say in Yiddish. "His shoulders are bent down, he's a failure. He doesn't have the courage to get a better job or make more money. He's a beaten man." He would keep his eyes pointed toward his plate and never answer her. She never extolled his virtues or persistence or the fact that he worked so hard. Instead she constantly focused on the negative and created an image to his three sons of a man without fight, crushed by a world over which he had no control.
His not fighting back against her constant criticism had the effect of confirming its validity to her sons. And my mother's treatment and the picture of my father did not convey to me that marriage was a happy state of being, or that women were basically people. I was not especially motivated to assume the role of husband and father myself from my observations of my whipped father.
Obviously, Yablonsky's mother seriously damaged the image of his father, making her sons not want to follow him. That is the power a woman holds within the family. In a sense, she serves as a gatekeeper between kids and their dad. She can build the father-son relationship, or she can damage it beyond repair. Boys, especially, are born with a need to "be like dad," but they will look elsewhere for role models if "the old man" appears to be an insufferable oaf at home.
My mother, who made very few blunders at home, stumbled into a major mistake at this point—not because she disrespected my dad, but because she didn't allow my dad to have proper access to me when I was a baby. She took full possession of me from the beginning. I was her first and only child, having been born by C-section in the days when that was a risky delivery. She loved being a mom and threw herself into the task of caring for me. She admitted later, with regret, that she had prevented my dad and me from bonding in the early years. She apologized for hurting him by making him feel unnecessary in the child-rearing responsibility. Things would change as I grew, but Mom had to pull back a bit before they did.
To summarize, I urge you as the Great Gatekeeper to facilitate the access between your children and their father. That is especially important for boys, who will look to that man as the example to follow.
Book: Bringing Up Boys
By Dr. James Dobson