Let me offer a technique that I came across several years ago. It is designed to teach both boys and girls the art of conversation. I have shared it before, but I include it here for the benefit of those who haven't been paying attention.
It begins by facing your daughter about six feet away and telling her that you are going to play a game together. Then call attention to the tennis ball you are holding, which you proceed to bounce in her direction. After she catches the ball, stand there looking at each other for a moment before saying, "It isn't much fun if you hold the ball, is it? Why don't you throw it back?" Your daughter will probably return the ball rather quickly. Stand motionless for few seconds, and then say, "Okay, I'm sending it back to you now." The child will be curious about what is going on. Then sit down together and describe the meaning of the game. Tell her that talking together is a game called conversation, and it only works if the "ball" is thrown back. If a person bounces a question to you and you hold it, the game ends. Neither you nor your partner has any fun. But if you throw it back, you are playing the game properly.
Follow up by saying, "Suppose I ask, 'Did you like the book you have been reading?' I have thrown the ball to you. If you simply reply, 'Yes,' you have caught and held the ball. But if you say, 'The book was very interesting. I like reading about animals,' you have thrown the ball back."
Then tell the child, "I can keep our conversation going by asking, 'What kind of animals interest you most?' If you say, 'Dogs,' you have held the ball again. But if you tell me, 'I like dogs because they are warm and cuddly,' the ball has been bounced back to me. The idea is to keep the game going until the two of us are finished talking."
Kids usually catch on to this game quickly. Afterward, you can build on the concept by commenting on interchanges that occur with friends and adults. For example, you might ask your daughter, "Did you hear Mrs. Smith ask you this afternoon what kind of food you liked? She was starting a conversation with you, but you just said, 'Hamburgers.' Do you think you threw the ball back to her?"
The child may acknowledge that she held it. Then the two of you can discuss what could have been done differently. Suggest, perhaps, that the question could have been tossed back by saying, "I like the hamburgers my mother makes."
Mrs. Smith might then have asked, "What makes them so good?"
"That," you tell the youngster, "is another example of a conversation. Let's practice 'throwing the ball' to each other. Now, start one with me."
While manners tend to facilitate morals, there is another good reason to teach them. They also help develop confidence and poise. A girl who has been trained properly is never completely knocked off balance when she is in an unfamiliar circumstance. She knows what is expected of her and how to deal with it. Her sense of self-worth is reinforced by the way adults react to her charm, poise, and grace. For the mother who wants to give her daughter a head start in life and help her compete socially, this is a great place to begin.
These diverse skills used to be taught to girls in mandatory home- making classes. Alas, most of these programs were canceled after the revolution of the sixties, and America became the worse for it. Road rage, loud cell phone conversations in restaurants, cutting in line, throwing litter from car windows, and general nastiness are now everyday occurrences.
Monica Brandner teaches at an etiquette business for children and youth called Final Touch Finishing School.7 She says that manners are primarily about how we treat others and ourselves. Sheryl Eberly, who wrote 365 Manners Kids Should Know, agrees.8 She says living by the Golden Rule releases the power of a thankful heart to those trained to practice it. She also reminds us—and this is a great point—that when we teach social graces to our children, we are training the next generation in self-government and self-control. John Adams must be smiling from the other side.
In short, teaching manners to girls is about helping them to become young ladies in a not-very-civil world. I assure you that MTV and an increasingly crude culture will do everything possible to carry our daughters (and our sons) downstream toward that which is boorish and uncouth. You can help them paddle upstream.
One technique that my wife used to teach social graces to our daughter was to play feminine games together. For example, they held elaborate tea parties when Danae was four or five years of age. The child loved them!
Their make-believe names were Mrs. Perry (Danae), Mrs. Snail (her mom), and a little boy named Mr. Green who was drafted into service. Other available kids and their moms from the neighborhood were invited on occasion. This fun activity allowed my wife to explain how silverware was supposed to be arranged, how to eat soup without slurping, how to hold and drink from a teacup, how to use a napkin, how to chew with mouths closed, how to hold a conversation, why they should wait to eat until everyone at the table was served, etc. It was amazing how effective these tea parties were in teaching common politeness. I was never invited to join them and definitely felt left out!
But what about moms who haven't been trained in social etiquette themselves? They can hardly pass on what they haven't learned. And what can we suggest for those who are simply too busy to tackle the job? That is where professional etiquette training comes in. Classes are popping up in cities across the country to meet this precise need.9
Though these training programs can be expensive, they are worth the cost for parents who can afford them. For those who don't have the resources, some churches and women's clubs are providing assistance. Furthermore, we should never forget what some grandmothers have to offer in teaching these concepts. They are likely to remember a more genteel era, and their granddaughters will enjoy the attention that comes with the training.
7.Virginia De Leon, "You Could Call Her Our Very Own Ms. Manners," Spokesman-Review (April 7,
2008).
8.Sheryl Eberly, 365 Manners Kids Should Know: Games, Activities, and Other Fun Ways to Help
Children Learn Etiquette (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001).
9.Zehra Mamdani, "Charm Schools Making a Comeback," Chicago Tribune (June 29, 2008): 6.
Book: Bringing Up Girls
By Dr. James Dobson