Question: I find that I am easily distracted during intimate moments, especially by the fear of being overheard by the kids. This doesn't seem to bother my husband at all. Am I being foolish to worry about such things?
Answer: Your problem is very common among women, who are typically more easily distracted than men; they are also more aware of the "geography" of sex, the techniques of lovemaking, and the noises and smells than are their husbands. Privacy is often more important to women, too.
Another rather common inhibitor to women, according to the concerns verbalized in counseling sessions, is the lack of cleanliness by their husbands. A service station operator or a construction worker may become sexually aroused by something he has seen or read during the day, causing him to desire intercourse with his wife as soon as he arrives home from his job. He may be sweaty and grimy from the day's work, smelling of body odor and needing to use some Crest on his teeth. Not only are his fingernails dirty, but his rough, calloused hands are irritating to his wife's delicate skin. An interference such as this can paralyze a woman sexually, and make her husband feel rejected and angry.
Spontaneity has its place in the marital bed, but "sudden sex" often results in "sudden failure" for a less passionate woman. In general, I believe sex should be planned for, prepared for, and anticipated. For the man who has been dissatisfied with his recent sex life, I suggest that he call a local hotel or motel and make reservations for a given night, but tell no one about his plans. He might arrange secretly for the children to be cared for until morning, and then ask his wife to go out to dinner with him. After they have eaten a good meal, he should drive to the hotel without going home or announcing his intentions. The element of surprise and excitement should be preserved to the very last moment. Once inside the hotel room (where flowers may be waiting), their hormones will dictate the remainder of the instructions. My point is that sexual excitation requires a little creativity, particularly in cases of a "tired" relationship. For example, the widespread notion that males are inherently active and females are inherently passive in a sexual sense is nonsense; the freedom to express passion spontaneously is vital to enjoyment. When one makes love in the same old bedroom, from the same position and surrounded by the same four walls, it has to become rather routine after so many years. And routine sex is usually bored sex.
Dr. Dobson Answers Your QuestionsBy Dr. James Dobson