Dr. Dobson: Have you noticed that laughter is the key to surviving the special stresses of the child rearing years? It's true. Almost every day I hear from mothers who share the most wonderful stories with me about their kids. One of my favorites came from the mother of two small children, and this is what she wrote.
"Dear Dr. Dobson, a few months ago, I was making several phone calls in my family room where my three year old daughter Adrian and my five month old son, Nathan, we're playing quietly. Now, Nathan loves Adrian, who's been learning how to mother him gently since the time of his birth. I suddenly realized that the children were no longer in view. Down the hall and around the corner, I found the children playing cheerfully in Adrian's bedroom. Relieved and upset, I shouted, 'Adrian, you know you're not allowed to carry Nathan. He's too little and you could hurt him if he fell'. Startled, she answered, 'I didn't, mommy.' Well knowing that he couldn't crawl, I suspiciously demanded. 'Well, then how did he get all the way into your room?' Confident of my approval for her obedience, she said with a smile, 'I rolled him.' The kid's a little dizzy, but he's okay."
Parents like this mother of Adrian and Nathan, who can see the delightful side of children, also tend to cope better with the difficulties. I hope you'll never, never get too busy to smile.
Roger Marsh: Hear more at Drjamesdobson.org.
Dr. Dobson: Hello everyone. This is Dr. James Dobson, and you're listening to Family Talk, and I have something very personal to share with you today. Some of you know that I send a letter once a month to maybe a half million people that comes from my heart. None of my letters are sent out without a great deal of thought, effort and research, and I think you're going to see that there is passion within what I'm about to tell you, which is our February letter.
And it begins,
"Dear friends, those of you who have followed my work through the years know what I care about most. After my love for Jesus Christ and my family, is the welfare of children, yours and mine. I've been fascinated since my early twenties by kids at every stage from birth through adolescence. I still find it compelling to consider the marvelous way God created them. Every child on the face of the earth is unique and distinct and precious.
It was this early interest that led me first to teach in public schools while I was doing my graduate work in child development at the University of Southern California. What I was learning from my professors in those days came alive every day in the laboratory of the classroom. When I finished my PhD, I accepted a research position and held it for the next 17 years at Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, and simultaneously for 14 years in the Department of Pediatrics at USC School of Medicine.
It was a wonderful ride, and I'll tell you that children have been my life. Several years have passed since I devoted my monthly letter to this first love. Let me return to that topic today by writing directly to parents and grandparents and teachers and others who are giving their lives to the care and training of children. We'll begin with a look at the first three years of life and why they are critical to everything that will come later.
It's a period of remarkable change in all dimensions of development, especially neurologically. A newborn's brain is about 25% of its future adult weight. By the time he or she is three-years-old, a brain will have produced billions of cells and hundreds of trillions of connections or synapses that connect them together. There appears to be nothing in the known universe as complex as the human brain.
The breathtaking increase in brain structure and mental capacity helps to explain why every experience in childhood is significant. A toddler takes in and tries to make sense of his or her bewildering world. Watching this mantle of humanness descend on a baby is awe inspiring to those who are paying attention. A newborn who is hanging by his or her heels in a delivery room shortly after birth will quickly gain 15 to 20 pounds and develops a sparkle in the eyes, a sense of humor, a unique personality, a curiosity about everything he or she can grasp, and an independent streak that will surprise even his or her 200 pound father.
There is nothing like it in all of nature. I remember that when our children, Ryan and Danae were babies. I would frequently leave home for a short speaking engagement. By the time I returned three days later, I could see tiny changes in a flash that had occurred in my absence. A second or two later, I could no longer recognize them; they were changing that fast. My kids were developing right before my eyes.
It's very important to understand that during this period of rapid development, there are certain opportunities that must be experienced or they will be forever lost. For example, babies require normal visual input or else permanent impairment of the eyes can occur. The rudiments of language skills also occur in a critical period, which is why it is so beneficial to talk, talk, talk to your baby, and when you're not talking, you should be listening. Hearing your baby imitate your vocal sounds in coos and laughter makes caring for an infant so rewarding.
One of my grandson's first spoken phrases was, "That's cool." My daughter's first phrase referred to the name of a cereal, Apple Jacks. I have striking memories of my first two years of babyhood. Believe it or not, I remember lying in a bassinet and looking up at my great-grandmother. She was wearing a wool knitted cap, and hanging from it on both sides were strands of yarn that had furry balls at the end. I recall reaching up and playing with those pretty balls. Nanny thought that was charming and she talked about it for years. I also remember the smell of a baby food called Pablum, which was the staple for infants at that time. I'm sure glad I don't have to eat that stuff today.
The point is that babies are far more than passive little creatures that coo and giggle. They are complex individuals who are watching, listening and learning at a rapid pace. Once again, they encounter critical periods along the way. If these opportunities for learning and observation are missed, it will have consequences for future development. It's one of the reasons why children raised amid deprivation, abuse or poverty are often intellectually or emotionally impaired.
Here's the nub of it. In a sense, all of a boy or a girl's childhood should be thought of as a critical period, especially in the relationship with their mother. If a proper bond fails to develop between them, the son or daughter will be affected negatively, some more than others. Two researchers named Bowlby and Ainsworth were the first to recognize that infants are highly vulnerable and easily wounded by anxiety and fear and confusion.
Elaborating on a previous point, children who are subjected to long periods of emotional trauma experience surges of stress hormones, principally cortisol, that flood through their immature brains causing irreversible neurological damage. In extreme cases involving abuse or neglect, an individual may eventually lose his or her ability to feel for others, which has implications for violence in days to come.
There are tragic cases on record of toddlers who have stood alone in cribs for hours, hungry and sick and scared. Some of them have even grown up to be cold blooded killers who murder strangers just for the thrill of watching them die. This is a profound statement, if I may say so, because I have studied men who were cold blooded killers and there's something different about them, and I believe that something different is the early childhood years.
By contrast, something wonderful happens when a nurturing mother intercedes lovingly on behalf of her distressed baby. Typically, she talks softly to her frightened infant, cuddles her, changes an uncomfortable diaper, sways with her gently and sings quietly while providing a warm and nurturing breast. The child in her arms is calmed both emotionally and physically and fears subside. From that deeply satisfying experience for mother and baby, a bond begins to form between them. It will establish a foundation for all that lies ahead. The relationship the mother and child forge will never be completely abandoned or forgotten, even though it may be severely strained at times. This is why wounded and dying men, hardened by combat on the battlefield, will often utter one last word through their tears. It is, "Mother."
Infants are like sponges soaking up the affection showered on them. They clearly prefer human stimuli above anything else. Girl babies more than boys are attuned to faces, touch, voices, and even smell. They're more sensitive to speech and singing than any other sound. Is this the origin of the lullaby? It must be, a newborn has been listening to her mother's voice from inside the womb for many months and a baby is comforted by it.
A classic study called the Harvard Preschool Project was conducted some years ago, and is still quoted in pediatrics literature because of the importance of its findings. This exhaustive 10 year study was led by Dr. Burton L. White and focused on children between eight and 18 months of age. Every mother should be aware of its conclusions as follows:
Number one, it is increasingly clear that the origins of human competence, intelligence, if you will, are to be found in a critical period of development between eight and 18 months of age. That child's experiences during these brief months do more to influence future intellectual competence than any time before or after.
Number two, the single most important environmental factor in the life of the child is the mother. "She's on the hook," Dr. White wrote, "and carries more influence on her child's experiences than any other person or circumstance."
Number three, the amount of live language directed to the child, and that's not to be confused with television or radio or overheard conversations, but it is vital to the development of fundamental linguistic, intellectual and social skills. The researchers concluded quote, "Providing a rich social life for a 12 to 15-month-old child is the best thing you can do to guarantee a good mind."
Do you understand this you're hearing me read, that this is critical stuff? This is extremely important, especially for those who are listening who have a newborn or a young child. Mother, you are on the hook.
Number four, those children who are given free access to living areas of their homes progress much faster than those whose movements are restricted.
Number five, the nuclear family is the most important educational delivery system. If we're going to produce capable, healthy children, it will be by strengthening family units and by improving the interactions that occur within them.
And number six, the best parents were those who excelled at three key functions: One, they were superb designers and organizers of their children's environments. Number two, they permitted their children to interrupt them for brief 30 second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information and enthusiasm were exchanged. And number three, they were firm disciplinarians while simultaneously showing great affection for their children.
I want to tell you the truth, I hear within these conclusions an affirmation and validation of the concepts to which I've devoted my professional life. Discipline with love is a centerpiece of healthy child development. To put it succinctly, mom, you are indispensable. This start your baby gets in life is in your hands and in your voice and in your heart. What a wonderful privilege and responsibility it is to welcome him or her with open arms. That little bundle arrived straight from the hand of the Creator as His precious gift.
But what about fathers? How do they fit into this attachment phenomenon? His role is primarily to be supportive of the mother. He should also begin to connect with the baby in the months to follow. His masculine voice, his size, his demeanor and gentle discipline provide the security produced by defined limits. In a permissive world where many parents have forgotten or never knew the importance of appropriate authority, it is a responsibility of the father to help guide behavior and teach self-control.
When my grandson, Lincoln, was 19 months of age, his mother and I were sitting at a table and he was in his high chair. He started to throw his glass on the floor when his mom, who has bonded beautifully with their baby, quietly said, "No." Her manner conveyed this as a suggestion. I could see that the toddler was going to ignore her and so I said with a little more force, "Lincoln, no." I wasn't gruff with him, but the tone of my voice said, "This is an order."
It was the first time I had ever spoken to him in that tone. He instantly turned his head toward me and he studied my face. We sat looking at each other for about five seconds without moving, and then we both smiled. He had examined my expression to see if I was angry and realized I was not, but he also recognized that I expected obedience. His smile said, "I get it," and he put the glass down. My smile said, "You're a good boy." This brief, two word interchange and the reading of faces between my grandson and me illustrate how a man typically handles matters of discipline more easily than a gentle mother often does.
Here's another example of a father's role as related to gender. Boys are not born with an understanding of what it means to be male. Fathers who are out there, please listen carefully, this is critical. It is a dad's responsibility to introduce that concept to your boys. Beginning at about 18 months of age and continuing over the next four years, sexual identity is being formed. During that time, boys need exposure to a loving father or father figure who will serve as a role model for masculinity. They still need mom's affirmation to be sure, but not in an overbearing way that prevents them from becoming males that they were made to become.
Said another way, a mother is no less significant to her son during that period of identity formation, but something new is being added to the mix. A healthy boy will usually observe as time goes on, "Dad is different and I should be like him." Hopefully the mother will not be threatened by that realignment, and in fact should encourage it.
Unfortunately, we live in a culture where family breakup is a common tragedy. Boys, especially those born in the inner city or in a poverty stricken area, often have little or no exposure to healthy role models. Many of them grow up on the streets with older gang members as their only male examples. It is a recipe for violence, drug use, and illicit sex.
For girls, dads play an entirely different role. Most parents are aware that boys need their fathers and girls are dependent on their mothers. It's equally important to know, however, that the cross-sexual relationship is also of an estimable significance. Girls need their fathers as much as boys do, but for different reasons.
Child rearing is a two person job, but many parents are handling it alone. They need all the love and care we can give them. Time and space force me to close this discussion. Although, I could write endlessly about the magnificence of human development. In fact, I have been doing it since 1969 when I wrote a textbook for medical students.
For now, let me conclude by quoting the words of King David from the 139 Psalm. He wrote there in an eloquent description of his own prenatal development 2,700 years ago. He said, 'For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God. How vast is the sum of them. Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I wake, I am still with you.'
The eyes of the creator were also on you and me when we were being knit together in our secret place. We owe Him our very lives."
You can see now having heard my letter, why I said this comes from my heart. It's a subject that never ceases to fascinate me. I hope it will also reach the hearts of those of you who are still raising children.
Roger Marsh: Certainly a meaningful topic discussed here on this edition of Family talk. As parents, we must cherish our children and protect them from the evil intents of society. I'm Roger Marsh and you've been listening to Dr. James Dobson reading his February newsletter. If you'd like to receive a copy of this latest publication, call our offices at (877) 732-6825. A member of our team is standing by to get your information and send you this impactful newsletter. It's our gift to you, no cost or further obligation. Again, the number to call for your newsletter is (877) 732-6825.
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Dr. Dobson: Just how tough is it to be a good parent today?
Announcer: Dr. James Dobson for Family Talk.
Dr. Dobson: A couple of years ago, I asked 1000 mothers and fathers to describe their greatest frustrations in raising kids. I heard all kinds of goofy stories in response about sticky telephones and wet toilet seats and shoestrings in a knot. One mother actually wanted to know why it is that a toddler never throws up in the bathroom. That would violate some kind of great unwritten law of the universe to be sure. But in my poll, parents didn't merely laugh about their frustrations. They tended to blame themselves. They said they were overwhelmed and were losing confidence and didn't really know how to cope anymore.
How sad it is that this age old responsibility of raising children has become so burdensome and guilt laden. Actually, the facts won't support that self-condemnation in the majority of cases. Millions of parents have handled their child rearing responsibility with great skill and it's time that someone patted them on the back for their commitment and their sacrifice. And someday when the frustrations of toddlerhood and the turmoil of adolescence have passed, they'll enjoy the sweet benefits of a job well done. Hang in there, moms and dads, your kids will be young for the mere blink of an eye
Roger Marsh: To hear more, visit our broadcast page at Drjamesdobson.org.