Roger Marsh: Well, hello everyone and welcome to Family Talk. I'm Roger Marsh. As you may already know, Family Talk is a listener supported division of the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute. In uncertain times like these, we want you to know that Dr. Dobson remains the voice you trust for the family you love. Thanks so much for standing with us.
Proverbs 16:3 says, "Commit to the Lord, whatever you do, and He will establish your plans." Ever since he was a young man, our guest today has been trying to live by the words of that proverb. Today, you'll hear the conclusion of Dr. Dobson's encouraging conversation with this guy, beloved retired pro football coach, Tony Dungy.
Tony Dungy is a New York Times best-selling author, former NFL head coach for the Indianapolis Colts and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In 2007, he became the first African-American coach to lead his team to a Super Bowl victory. Then in 2016, Coach Dungy was enshrined into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
Tony Dungy is widely considered by NFL players, both current and retired, as one of the most knowledgeable, well-liked and respected coaches to ever walk the sidelines. The question is why? Well, outside of football, Coach Dungy is heavily involved in numerous organizations, including the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, All Pro Dad and the Prison Crusade Ministry. Tony Dungy retired from coaching in 2008, and now serves as an analyst for NBC's Football Night in America.
He and his wife, Lauren are the parents of 10 children. Back in 2005, Tony and Lauren Dungy tragically lost their 18 year old son to suicide. That must be one of the most difficult things a family can ever endure.
Dr. Dobson and Tony Dungy will talk briefly about that on today's program, as well as tackling the questions of what it really means to be a man and what true biblical masculinity really looks like. You'll want to listen closely to what they have to say. Let's go there right now.
Dr. James Dobson: We had a great visit with Tony Dungy on our last broadcast. He's a man that I have great admiration for. He's a gentleman and a great role model for men. He's written a new book now called Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance. We're going to talk about what it means to take an uncommon path through life with our visit today.
Tony was the head coach of the Indianapolis Colts for a number of years. They won the Super Bowl in 2007 and in fact, Tony was here shortly after that. Upon his retirement, he was the winning-est coach in the team's history, and he was a very successful coach in Tampa Bay before that. His teams almost always reached the playoffs.
Well, coach, we're delighted to have you back. We talked quite a bit, almost through the whole program, last time about football, because I'm a rabid-
Tony Dungy: You like football.
Dr. James Dobson: ... football fan. The teams that you fielded in the last few years there in Indianapolis are just models of how I think the game ought to be played. But, let's turn the corner and talk today a little bit about your family and about your father. You talk a lot about your dad in here and what he did for you. What was his profession and how was that impact made?
Tony Dungy: My dad was a school teacher and he taught actually junior college science. He was a tremendous man.
Dr. James Dobson: It was physiology, wasn't it?
Tony Dungy: Physiology.
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah.
Tony Dungy: He had a Ph.D., but he never introduced himself as Dr. Dungy. Most people that met him, Lovie Smith, the coach of the Bears knew him for eight years, and he said, "I never-
Dr. James Dobson: He never knew it.
Tony Dungy: ... knew your dad had a Ph.D."
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah.
Tony Dungy: But, he would just come in and have conversations because he enjoyed people, but he was special. He told me early on that his joy was seeing students do well. As I was growing up, I knew I wanted to be in some profession that helped people, because that's what I saw my dad do.
He started out teaching in the separate but equal in the early 1950s, so he taught in segregated schools. His motto was that, "That you don't worry about the problem so much as you worry about the solution." He was just a great role model, and I learned stuff from him very early on. When I was 48 years old coaching for the Colts, I would still ask him questions about, "Hey, this situation, how would you handle it? What do you think?"
Dr. James Dobson: He has gone on to be with the Lord. Was he a Christian?
Tony Dungy: He passed away from leukemia. It was just an unbelievable circumstance, were healthy, 78 years old, swimming six miles a day.
Dr. James Dobson: Wow!
Tony Dungy: And just the Lord let me know that you can't take any anything for granted, yes.
Dr. James Dobson: But he did have a deep committed faith?
Tony Dungy: Yeah. Actually, his dad was the minister in our family.
Dr. James Dobson: Is that right?
Tony Dungy: Yeah, my grandfather. That's where I got my background from. My grandfather was the Baptist minister, and my mom ended up teaching Sunday school.
Dr. James Dobson: What kind of mother was she?
Tony Dungy: My mother was great. She was a teacher also. She taught public speaking and Shakespeare. They were elective courses, so anybody in the school system could have Mrs. Dungy, if they wanted to. I still get letters from people that say, "I had your mom for public speaking. And if I hadn't had her in 10th grade, I wouldn't be at the job I'm at now, you know, standing up in front of people and things." She had a tremendous impact on her students. She was an encourager. She was very, very special.
Dr. James Dobson: How many children were there?
Tony Dungy: There were four children. My oldest sister is a nurse. And then I have a younger brother and sister who are twins. My younger sister is a doctor who does high risk pregnancies, and my younger brother is a dentist, so they all took the science background from my dad.
Dr. James Dobson: There was a boy?
Tony Dungy: Yeah, one.
Dr. James Dobson: One boy, yeah.
Tony Dungy: A younger brother.
Dr. James Dobson: Did he play football?
Tony Dungy: He played football, enjoyed it. But his passion again was helping people, and he ended up going on to become a dentist and is fabulous, yeah.
Dr. James Dobson: Were you a superstar in high school?
Tony Dungy: Other people would say that, yes.
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah, you're too humble to admit it.
Tony Dungy: As a matter of fact, I grew up in Michigan and I was recruited by your favorite school, USC.
Dr. James Dobson: That's the only thing you've said so far, I disagree with. You didn't take it.
Tony Dungy: I did not.
Dr. James Dobson: You had an opportunity to be a Trojan.
Tony Dungy: I had a chance to be a Trojan.
Dr. James Dobson: And you went to Minnesota.
Tony Dungy: I went to Minnesota.
Dr. James Dobson: Oh, I wish I could've talked to you.
Tony Dungy: Well, it's a different era now. You can get back and forth a lot. The West Coast seemed so far at that time.
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah.
Tony Dungy: But Coach McKay was an icon at the time and they were winning championships. I had fantasies of going there, but ended up staying a little closer to home.
Dr. James Dobson: So, the character that you admire so in others was really, it really began at home in what you were taught and the modeling of your parents.
Tony Dungy: It really did. I think the biggest blessing that the Lord gave me was those two parents. They teaching us respect at a very early age, teaching us about the Lord, teaching us that you could do whatever you wanted, not to let anything stand in your way of chasing your dreams, but more than anything, that respect for the Lord, and that came very, very early in our lives.
Dr. James Dobson: How early did you give your heart to the Lord?
Tony Dungy: I accepted Christ as a very little boy. Everyone around my house did, and you thought that was the right thing to do. And they said, "If you want to go to heaven, you have to accept Christ," so as the Savior I did early, but then I got to the Pittsburgh Steelers.
I was 21 years old. There were a group of guys who were dynamic Christian guys who really, their Christianity permeated everything that they did on the field, off the field, at home every day. And I said, "Wow, this is what this is all about." They encouraged me to get involved in the Bible studies and the chapel services. The more I read, the more I began to understand that it's putting the Lord first. It's letting Him direct you in everything. And so, I think that's when I really began growing as a Christian at 21.
Dr. James Dobson: Well, the name of your book is Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance. You write about a lot of family related subjects in here, and one of them is parenting and you speak on that subject. What do you tell parents?
Tony Dungy: Well, I tell parents, number one is you just have to be involved. So many of the young men that I talk to now, "My dad wasn't there, so my mom had to work a couple of jobs. She was working hard. She did as well as she could." But, they really didn't have that involvement that our parents had.
Kids don't need all the best things. We always want to give them better than what we had, but what they need is our availability, us being there, and us showing them the right way to go. Kids are looking for that. We've got to do a better job of providing that direction.
Dr. James Dobson: What does it mean to be a man? You talked about it here. What is a man? Let's suppose, I'm 21 years of age now and I'm looking to you for leadership in my life and influence. You've become a mentor to me. And I say, "You know, I really don't know what a man is. How do I find masculinity?"
Tony Dungy: Masculinity, I think, has been really... hasn't been shown the right way in our media, in our movies, in our television. It hasn't necessarily been shown the right way even by our men.
Masculinity is standing up for what you know is right. It's guiding your family and your community the right way and being a person who follows the Lord, but not following the crowd. That's probably the biggest message in this book Uncommon, that I wanted to get across to young men. It's easy to just follow the crowd and do what everybody else is doing, but that doesn't make you a man.
Dr. James Dobson: One of the things that irritates me as much as anything I can think of is the way maleness is represented in the popular culture. If you just look at the sitcoms night after night, the men are bumbling fools, they're adolescent crazies. The women are the ones that are in positions of leadership, and the women are respectful and the women are beautiful. It just makes me sick to see them tear down what it means to be a man. I think you're absolutely right in this book, young men are struggling with this. They don't know what they're supposed to be.
Tony Dungy: We don't, and because that those male figures aren't always there, then it becomes a thing, well, outward toughness is how you become a man. You're not a man, if you show emotion. You're not a man, if you have feelings. You're not a man, if you're afraid of anything. You've got to be the roughest, toughest guy. And so if you're not the roughest, toughest, then you better get some type of weapon that that can be tough for you and be a substitute toughness. That's what we're teaching guys. Instead of saying, you know what, being part of a family, loving a woman, taking care of her, yes, sometimes being afraid, that's... There is nothing wrong with that.
Dr. James Dobson: I would like to give an example of a man who knew what it meant to be manly. I've got his voice on a CD. Now, I'm not going to tell you who he is. I'm going to see if you recognize him.
Tony Dungy: Okay.
Dr. James Dobson: I'm going to put you on the spot here.
Tony Dungy: All right.
Dr. James Dobson: This is tough because it could be anybody, but let's hear the first clip from this individual.
Tom Landry: "Because I think life really, Dr. Dobson, is really-
Tony Dungy: Joe Gibbs.
Tom Landry: ... a matter of priorities. I mean, what you consider most real and valuable in your life is your religion. It doesn't necessarily have to be God. It can be your job. It can be your family. It can be anything. And so, I knew that football was my whole priority, up until that point. But once I accepted Christ, then football took, actually God and football, switched places because God became first. My family was always in my life too. And of course, the football took the last part.
Tom Landry: I think Saint Augustine said it so well when he says, "Hearts are restless, O God, until we find our rest in thee." What a great quote, because it speaks to me. That spoke to me at that time."
Dr. James Dobson: Coach, when we were listening to that clip, you muttered Joe Gibbs, the former NFL football coach for the Redskins, but it's not.
Tony Dungy: It is Tom Landry.
Dr. James Dobson: It was Tom Landry. Well, we both got fooled.
Tony Dungy: Yes.
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah.
Tony Dungy: Two men of the same, same character. Both of them, Coach Landry and Coach Gibbs were role models for me. But Tom Landry, I think very early on let people know that you could be successful and follow the Lord. Those type of men are so important as we were talking about, what true manhood is, what a coach is, that was Coach Landry.
Dr. James Dobson: You remind me a lot of him.
Tony Dungy: A lot of people say that.
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah, you do, right, because the demeanor, the softness yet the strength. In fact, your first book was called Quiet Strength, and that is a very well named. But, Tom Landry had it too, didn't he?
Tony Dungy: He had it. Yes, he did, and he demonstrated it. It was very, very important, I think, for a lot of people of my age to be able to see that.
Dr. James Dobson: Let's hear the other clip also by Tom Landry.
Tom Landry: "I think that sometimes it's hard for us in the secular world to realize that there is a secular society and there is a Christian society, which God says, "We are not of this world." Jesus said it, "We're not of this world," as Christian.
Tom Landry: What I've seen, and what I feel is made America great is that it has God and country in mind. The family was a hallmark of America. That's what made America what it is today. It had a value system. That's what we lack today. That we don't have value and our youngsters aren't learning a value system, and they don't have self-esteem. They don't have a family around them. That's where you gain it. A family and a church is where you gain the values that made America great."
Dr. James Dobson: Coach Landry has been gone for many years now, but what he is saying there is why I'm concerned about this country because those things are breaking down.
Tony Dungy: I agree. It's so funny because people ask me all the time, "Are the guys that you coach, are they different? Are they different?" This is Coach Landry from a generation ago saying the same things that we're saying today. Somehow we've got to stop this momentum. We've got to get back to the values. We've got to teach that as much as we're teaching athleticism and football.
Dr. James Dobson: Well, the family is under attack, even its very definition is being changed. And then you mentioned last time, that three out of four players that come into the NFL as rookies, did not have fathers at home. This no longer characterizes this country.
Tony Dungy: I would agree with that. Somehow we've got to fix that, and we've got to be that role model for the young men that don't have it and encourage them.
Dr. James Dobson: Another subject that you dealt with in the book is how to treat a woman. Tell us about it.
Tony Dungy: Well, because of the lack of family structure, I think we have a generation of young men that really have never seen that. They haven't seen how their father treated their mother, how you're supposed to, so they don't have a basis for it.
Dr. James Dobson: How'd your dad treat your mother?
Tony Dungy: My dad treated my mother with great respect. My dad made sure that as kids, we never raised our voice at our mom. We didn't disrespect our mom. That was important to him. I think that's the first lesson that you have to learn. I think my dad being there was very important to me to see how to treat a woman. It was very important to my sisters to see what type of man they were going to look for as husbands.
Dr. James Dobson: After I was grown, in fact, I was 30 years of age, I had gotten mildly irritated at my mother one day. I was riding in the car with my dad. I was complaining about what she'd done. My gentle dad looked at me with those steely blue eyes and he said, "Listen, bud, she is the best friend you ever had. And don't you forget it." When my dad called me, "bud," it was time to back off. I don't care what age I was.
Tony Dungy: Absolutely. You got those cold words. My dad was the same way, that, hey, there are just certain things that we don't do, and disrespecting your mom or talking back to your mom that is just... That's unacceptable, and you learn that early on.
Dr. James Dobson: Yeah. A lot of the kids that you dealt with on the football field are newly married or will be newly married.
Tony Dungy: Yes.
Dr. James Dobson: I don't know how they have a clue as to what it means to be a husband and father, because they have never seen it.
Tony Dungy: Right. That was one of the reasons I used to take my wife Lauren to every away game. She would ride on the plane with us. She was a big football fan and she enjoyed it. But part of my idea, I wanted to model that behavior, that here is your coach and here is his wife, and we are a unit and we're together, because so many of those guys had not seen that or experienced it, and I wanted to show them how important that was.
Dr. James Dobson: Oh. Well, what do you say to young men about marriage itself?
Tony Dungy: I try to talk to them about how important it is about what commitment is all about. It was easy to talk to them in football terms, "Hey, you make a commitment to your team. We're going to stick together no matter what. No matter how many games we lose, we're in this together. And we're never going to turn our back on our teammates. You've got to have that same type of commitment with the young lady that you're dating, that is your fiancé and who you're going to be married to."
Dr. James Dobson: You have five children. You lost your son.
Tony Dungy: Lost one. We had six, five still living and then prospering and growing from 24 years old to two and a half.
Dr. James Dobson: If you don't mind, I would like to ask you about the son that you lost. He committed suicide at 17?
Tony Dungy: 18.
Dr. James Dobson: 18 years of age. What did that do to you, and how did it come? Do you mind talking about that, because that's got to be a painful subject?
Tony Dungy: It is a painful subject. I think I'd probably like to talk more about, because of that, what is my message to young men?
Dr. James Dobson: All right.
Tony Dungy: We lost a son at 18, and what it made me conscious of was that young men in this country do need direction. They do need guidance. They need help. It probably made me more aware of reaching out to other young men to help them because I think they are getting the wrong messages of what it means to be a man, what you have to do, what it's all about. And can you really find love? Can you find happiness by making yourself vulnerable? I think we've got to get that message to our young men that you can.
Dr. James Dobson: I think you said here that his sister said about him, "If he could have lived two more years until he was 20, a lot of the things that agitated him would have started to come together and he would have understood better."
Tony Dungy: Yeah. Our oldest daughter is 24 now. She had went through a period of time where she thought her parents were the worst people in the world, that they just infringed on her rights. She knew a lot of people and dated boys who were struggling with where they were going. It just seems like after they got through college and got to that age that things started making a little more sense.
Dr. James Dobson: Daddy gets real smart.
Tony Dungy: Daddy gets a little smarter. The world makes a little more sense, and some of those values that you try to teach, they see the logic behind it as they get out into the real world.
Dr. James Dobson: Tony, are you enjoying your retirement, so to speak? I know you've got all you can handle on your plate. That's why I appreciate so much you coming here and letting us talk to you about Uncommon. But yeah, you haven't looked back?
Tony Dungy: I have not looked back. I am enjoying it. It gives me a chance to do little projects that I wouldn't have never have gotten to do if I was coaching, going and speaking in prisons, speaking in high schools, doing projects with young people. It's rewarding and it's a different kind of reward than coaching in the National Football League, but it's one that I think the Lord is directing me to right now at this time in my life.
Dr. James Dobson: How much speaking are you doing?
Tony Dungy: Probably too much, but when you get a chance to go out and talk to people and talk to young people, especially, it's really been a lot of fun for me.
Dr. James Dobson: Coach Tony Dungy, I want to give you the greatest respect in a sentence that I can give you. If I had a son who played football, I would want him to play for you. I would want him under the influence of a person who had his values straight in, who had really thought through the meaning of life and what it means to be a man, especially.
Tony Dungy: Well, thank you. That's a great compliment, because that's the way I always coached. I coached the way I would want my son to be coached and tried to coach him on the field, but coach him into manhood off the field as well.
Dr. James Dobson: Consider yourself a friend and always, always know that the carpet, the red carpet, is down for you here.
Tony Dungy: Well, thank you. We feel it every time we come, and it's just been a real, real pleasure to be here these two days.
Dr. James Dobson: Give my regards to Lauren.
Tony Dungy: Thank you, I will.
Dr. James Dobson: Okay.
Roger Marsh: That was a vulnerable and honest look into the life of beloved retired professional football coach and popular sports analyst, Tony Dungy, Dr. Dobson has great respect for Tony Dungy and always is happy to catch up with him.
To learn more about Tony Dungy and his ministry and his books, be sure to visit our broadcast page at drjamesdobson.org. Again, that web address is drjamesdobson.org/broadcast. It takes you right to our broadcast page, or feel free to call us. Our number is (877) 732-6825.
Now on today's program, Tony Dungy emphasized one point in particular, and that is quite simply, don't just follow the crowd. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are called to a different standard. We are compelled to stand up for what is right, regardless of what culture says about what is popular.
One way that the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute would like to help Christians do just that is through Dr. Dobson's monthly newsletter. Every month, Dr. Dobson sits down and pens a letter to his constituents about something that is on his heart. Sometimes it's a current events issue, other times an aspect of parenting or marriage. Often, it's a personal story based upon his own life experiences, but it's always from a biblical perspective and aimed at informing, encouraging and equipping today's families to live godly lives. To sign up for Dr. Dobson's newsletter, just give us a call, (877) 732-6825.
Thanks so much for listening to Family Talk today. We've been bringing you marriage and parenting advice and encouragement for over 10 years now. And Dr. Dobson has personally been with you without interruption on the air for over 44 years now. That's right. His first broadcast with Focus on the Family was in May 1977. So congratulations to Dr. Dobson for staying in the field all these years. It's truly amazing. And because of listeners just like you, we don't intend to stop.
From Dr. Dobson, his wife, Shirley and everyone here at the Dr. James Dobson Family Institute, I'm Roger Marsh. Join us next time for another edition of Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk.
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