Question: My daughter is six, and lately she has been a little terror. We can be watching a movie and she will turn off the television and start pitching a fit out of nowhere. She will spit on the floor and curse like a sailor. She will be well behaved and then randomly do something she knows is wrong. She recently threw a ball and broke some valuable things just because she wanted to. I really don't know what has gotten into her. She gets a lot of attention—maybe too much—but she has no reason to act this way. I try not to lose my temper, but what can I do when I have a six-year-old screaming in my face? The hand spankings don't faze her anymore. Please help.
Question: My daughter will be four in June and is a very strong-willed child. I am currently in the fifth month of pregnancy with my second child. Call it a coincidence, but ever since I started showing, my three-year-old has been having major behavior issues at home and in preschool. Everything is a challenge, from getting dressed in the morning to listening to authority figures. She does not want to participate in group activities at school and seems to be distancing herself from showing signs of affection to family members. Do you think this type of behavior is directly related to the new baby or could this be a stage?
Question: My twenty-month-old daughter will not go to sleep without a fight. My wife is pregnant with our second child, and I am wondering what to do.
Question: My son and daughter-in-law are having a lot of problems with their four-year-old daughter, who screams a lot and hits them. They are at their wit's end and don't know what to do. What advice do you have for them?
Question: I have a five-year-old daughter who is defiant to her mother but obedient to me, her father. How can we teach her to respect both of us?
I could provide individual answers to each of these questions, and probably should do so, because the circumstances described involve children of varying ages. A twenty-month-old toddler not wanting to go to sleep should be handled very differently from a six-year-old girl who is pitching fits and spitting on the floor. Nevertheless, I will not take the time to provide specific suggestions because that work has already been done. A couple of my earlier books deal with the management of children and address these kinds of issues. They are The New The New Dare to Discipline and The The New Strong-Willed Child. Instead of reinventing the wheel, I will quote a section from that second book, in which I discuss the nature of tough-as-nails children and then offer some advice for parents. Perhaps I can at least take a moment to point harassed moms and dads in the right direction.
It is obvious that children are aware of the contest of wills between generations, which can become something of a game. Lisa Whelchel, former child actress on the television sitcom The Facts of Life, described a funny encounter with her four-year-old boy, Tucker. She related the story in her excellent book, Creative Correction. Lisa and her husband were going out to dinner and left the children with a babysitter. As they were standing at the door, she said to her son, "I really want you to do your best to obey the babysitter tonight."
Tucker immediately replied, "Well, Mom, I just don't know if I can do that."
"Why not?" she asked.
With a straight face, he answered, "There's so much foolishness built up in my heart, I don't think there is any room for goodness and wisdom."
"Well," Lisa said, "maybe we need to step into the bathroom and drive that foolishness out."
With that, Tucker replied, "W-wait a minute. I feel the foolishness going away all by itself—the goodness is coming in right now!"
Lisa's encounter with her son did not represent a serious challenge to her authority and should have been (and, in fact, was) responded to with a smile. But when a real donnybrook occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the parents to "win." Why? A child who behaves in ways that are disrespectful or harmful to himself or others often has a hidden motive. Whether he recognizes it or not, he is usually seeking to verify the existence and stability of the boundaries.
This testing has much the same function as a police officer in years past who turned doorknobs at places of business after dark. Though he tried to open the doors, he hoped they were locked and secure. Likewise, a child who defies the leadership of his parents is reassured when they remain confident and firm under fire. It creates a sense of security for a kid who lives in a structured environment in which the rights of other people (and his own) are protected by well-defined limits.
With that said, let's hurry along now to the how-tos of shaping a child's will. I've boiled this complex topic down to six straightforward guidelines that I hope will be helpful, the first of which is most important. . . .
First: Begin Teaching Respect for Authority While Children Are Very Young
The most urgent advice I can give to the parents of an assertive, independent child is to establish their positions as strong but loving leaders when Junior and Missy are in the preschool years. This is the first step toward helping them learn to control their powerful impulses. Alas, there is no time to lose. As we have seen, a naturally defiant youngster is in a high-risk category for antisocial behavior later in life. She is more likely to challenge her teachers in school and question the values she has been taught. Her temperament leads her to oppose anyone who tries to tell her what to do. Fortunately, this outcome is not inevitable, because the complexities of the human personality make it impossible to predict behavior with complete accuracy. But the probabilities lie in that direction. Thus, I will repeat my most urgent advice to parents: that they begin shaping the will of the particularly aggressive child very early in life. (Notice that I did not say to crush his will or to destroy it or to snuff it out, but to rein it in for his own good.) But how is that accomplished?
Well, first let me tell you how not to approach that objective. Harshness, gruffness, and sternness are not effective in shaping a child's will. Likewise, constant whacking and threatening and criticizing are destructive and counterproductive. A parent who is mean and angry most of the time is creating resentment that will be stored and come roaring into the relationship during adolescence or beyond. Therefore, every opportunity should be taken to keep the tenor of the home pleasant, fun, and accepting. At the same time, however, parents should display confident firmness in their demeanor. You, Mom and Dad, are the boss. You are in charge. If you believe it, the tougher child will accept it also.
Unfortunately, many mothers today are tentative and insecure in approaching their young children. If you watch them with their little boys and girls in supermarkets or airports, you will see these frustrated and angry moms who are totally confused about how to handle a given misbehavior. Temper tantrums throw them for a loop, as though they never expected them. Actually, they have been coming on for some time.
Second: Define the Boundaries before They Are Enforced
Preceding any disciplinary event is the necessity of establishing reasonable expectations and boundaries for the child. She should know what is and is not acceptable behavior before she is held responsible for it. This precondition will eliminate the sense of injustice that a youngster feels when she is punished or scolded for violating a vague or unidentified rule.
Third: Distinguish between Willful Defiance and Childish Irresponsibility
[There is a] distinction between what I would call childish irresponsibility and "willful defiance." There is a world of difference between the two. Understanding the distinction will be useful in knowing how to interpret the meaning of a behavior and how to respond to it appropriately. Let me explain.
Suppose little David is acting silly in the living room and falls into a table, breaking several expensive china cups and other trinkets. Or suppose Ashley loses her bicycle or leaves her mother's coffeepot out in the rain. Perhaps four- year-old Brooke reaches for something on her brother's plate and catches his glass of milk with her elbow, baptizing the baby and making a frightful mess on the floor. As frustrating as these occurrences are, they represent acts of childish irresponsibility that have little meaning in the long-term scheme of things. As we all know, children will regularly spill things, lose things, break things, forget things, and mess up things. That's the way kids are made. These behaviors represent the mechanism by which children are protected from adult-level cares and burdens. When accidents happen, patience and tolerance are the order of the day. If the foolishness was particularly pronounced for the age and maturity of the individual, Mom or Dad might want to have the youngster help with the cleanup or even work to pay for the loss. Otherwise, I think the event should be ignored. It goes with the territory, as they say.
There is another category of behavior, however, that is strikingly different. It occurs when a child defies the authority of the parent in a blatant manner. She may shout "I will not!" or "You shut up!" or "You can't make me." It may happen when Junior grabs a handful of candy bars at the checkout and refuses to give them back, or when he throws a violent temper tantrum in order to get his way. These behaviors represent a willful, haughty spirit and a determination to disobey. Something very different is going on in those moments. You have drawn a line in the dirt, and the child has deliberately flopped his bony little toe across it. You're both asking, Who is going to win? Who has the most courage? Who is in charge here? If you do not conclusively answer these questions for your strong-willed children, your child will precipitate other battles designed to ask them again and again. That's why you must be prepared to respond immediately to this kind of stiff-necked rebellion. It is what Susanna Wesley meant when she wrote, "Some [misbehavior] should be overlooked and taken no notice of [referring to childish irresponsibility], and others mildly reproved. But no willful transgressions ought ever to be forgiven children without chastisement, more or less, as the nature and circumstances of the offense shall require." Susanna arrived at this understanding 250 years before I came along. She learned it from the nineteen kids who called her Mama. . . .
Fourth: Reassure and Teach After the Confrontation Is Over
After a time of conflict during which the parent has demonstrated his right to lead (particularly if it resulted in tears for the child), the youngster between two and seven (or older) will probably want to be loved and reassured. By all means, open your arms and let him come! Hold him close and tell him of your love. Rock him gently and let him know again why he was punished and how he can avoid the trouble next time. This is a teachable moment, when the objective of your discipline can be explained. Such a conversation is difficult or impossible to achieve when a rebellious, stiff-necked little child is clenching her fist and taking you on. But after a confrontation has occurred— especially if it involved tears—the child usually wants to hug you and get reassurance that you really care for her. By all means, open your arms and let her snuggle to your breast. And for the Christian family, it is extremely important to pray with the child at that time, admitting to God that we have all sinned and no one is perfect. Divine forgiveness is a marvelous experience, even for a very young child.
Fifth: Avoid Impossible Demands
Be absolutely sure that your child is capable of delivering what you require. Never punish him for wetting the bed involuntarily or for not becoming potty trained by one year of age or for doing poorly in school when he is incapable of academic success. These impossible demands put the child in an irresolvable conflict: there is no way out. That condition brings unnecessary risks to the human emotional apparatus. Besides that, it is simply unjust.
Sixth: Let Love Be Your Guide!
A relationship that is characterized by genuine love and affection is likely to be a healthy one, even though some parental mistakes and errors are inevitable.
These six steps should . . . form the foundation for healthy parent-child relationships.12
12.James C. Dobson, The The New Strong-Willed Child (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 2004), chapter 4.
Book: Bringing Up Girls
By Dr. James Dobson