Question: You have indicated that a child's willful defiance should be handled differently than mere childish irresponsibility. I'm not sure I understand the distinction between these two categories of behavior. Can you explain them further?
Answer: Willful defiance, as the name implies, is a deliberate act of disobedience. It occurs only when the child knows what his parents expect and then is determined to do the opposite. In short, it is a refusal to accept parental leadership, such as running away when called, screaming insults, acts of outright disobedience, etc. By contrast, childish irresponsibility results from forgetting, accidents, mistakes, a short attention span, a low frustration tolerance, and immaturity. In the first instance, the child knows he was wrong and is waiting to see what his parent can do about it; in the second, he has simply blundered into a consequence he did not plan. It is wrong, in my view, to resort to corporal punishment for the purpose of instilling responsibility (unless, off course, the child has defiantly refused to accept it).
Ultimately, the appropriate disciplinary reaction by a mother or father should be determined entirely by the matter of intention. Suppose my three-year-old son is standing in the doorway and I say, "Ryan, please shut the door." But in his linguistic immaturity he misunderstands my request and opens the door even further. Will I punish his for disobeying me? Of course not, even though he did the opposite of what I asked. He may never even know that he failed the assignment. My tolerance is dictated by his intention. He honestly tried to obey me.
However, if when I ask Ryan to pick up his toys, he stamps his little foot and screams, "No!" before throwing a Tonka truck in my direction--then I am obligated to accept his challenge. In short, my child is never so likely to be punished as when I'm sure he knows he deserves it.
The Bible teaches quite clearly that human beings have a universal tendency toward rebellion and that must be dealt with during childhood when it is focused primarily upon the parents. If that defiance is not suppressed in the tender years, it may develop into general rebellion against all authority, including that of God Himself. Our Creator has warned off the consequences of this rebellion, stating in Proverbs 29:1, "He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy"(KJV). Thus, we should teach our children to submit to our loving leadership as preparation for their later live of obedience to God.
Dr. Dobson Answers Your QuestionsBy Dr. James Dobson