Stage 8
Wife's Perspective: We come now to a critical juncture. When confronted by the spiritual implications of their behavior some women decide not to sacrifice their families, but to reconcile with their husbands. Others are determined to have their own way and go with the new lover, who is infinitely more exciting and alluring. Such a woman may pity her mate and desire not to hurt him, but she finds him boring and disdainful.
Husband's Perspective: The pain experienced by the husband is intensified. He had never known such stress in his entire life. Jealousy burns through his mind as he imagines what his wife and her lover have done together. At alternating times he feels rage, guilt, remorse, love, hate, despair, etc. He makes all the mistakes described in the early chapters of this book, including appeasement, entrapment, panic, threats of violence, and self-debasement. Now he is dealing with the low self-esteem which his wife experienced some years ago.
Note: Since the classic pattern can go in several directions at this point, depending on the reaction of the woman, we will follow the one where her affair continues.
Stage 9
Woman's Perspective: It has been said, "A woman wants a man she can look up to, but one who won't look down on her." It is true. Women need to hold their husbands in a certain awe, or at least in modest respect, if their relationship is to be healthy. The Apostle Paul instructed men to love their wives, but he told women to respect their husbands. Those are the conditions needed respectively by each sex. Nevertheless, this woman begins to experience a tug of war in her mind. The welfare of her children weighs together. He doesn't think he can stand it, and that sense of panic is evident in everything he does. His work suffers and his face reveals the strain he is under. Unfortunately, the behavior now being shown by the rejected lover serves to assassinate respect and put a sever strain on a relationship already stretched to the breaking point.
Husband's Perspective: The agitation of stage 8 continues unabated, especially as the husband contemplates the details of what his wife and her lover are experiencing
Wife's Perspective: heavily in her thoughts, and she knows they are hurting. She sees the flaws and faults of her new lover for the first time, and the romantic dream fades just a bit. Sex with him is still exciting, but it no longer thrills her as it did. All the ugly realities of divorce stare her in the face. Is that what she wants? Still, she remembers her prior state of loneliness and low self-esteem. "I can't go back to that!" she says to herself. It is this motivation, more than any other, that may push her over the edge.
Stage 10
Wife's Perspective: The decision to divorce is made; lawyers are consulted; papers are filed; hearings are held and property is divided. The children are caught between the parents and become the object of struggle and contest. A bloody custody battle is fought with numerous casualties on both sides. Harsh words are exchanged. Tears are shed. Then they are dried, life goes on: people learn to cope. But every now and then, just before the woman goes to sleep at night or perhaps in a moment of quietness, she asks herself, "What have I done?"
Husband's Perspective: The human mind cannot tolerate agitated depression and grief indefinitely. The healthy personality will act to protect itself in time, throwing off the despair and groping for stability. One method by which this is accomplished is by turning pain into anger. Thus, the husband may harbor a deep but quiet hostility toward his wife--the one who betrayed his trust, shattered his home, took half his money and hurt his kids. He no longer accepts the blame for what has happened, feeling instead that he was betrayed. He would not take his wife back now under any circumstances. He begins to brace himself for whatever may come.
Stage 11
Wife's Perspective: As events unfold, she weds her new lover and life is exciting for a time. But eventually, it becomes more like her first marriage. The great thrill is gone, the relationship having been "too hot not to cool down." Daily living is routine once more. The dating and laughter and the walks and talks give way to doing laundry and fixing meals and going to work. The marriage may be successful or it may not. The probabilities of another divorce are higher than for first marriages, perhaps because both partners have demonstrated a willingness to fool around with married lovers! If there is no divorce, the new husband and wife plod on through the years, moving inexorably toward the Great Day of Accountability when their lives will be laid bare before their Maker. These two people have convinced themselves they did the right thing--except...when they think of the children...they feel guilty.
Husband's Perspective: The man gradually works his way through bitterness to a state of apathy. Life returns to normal except that his wife is gone. He will probably remarry, since divorced men are in much greater demand than divorced women in our society. He again loses himself in work and slams the door on the past. Except....when he thinks of the kids...he feels guilty.
But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin; and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
James 1:14-15, KJV
I know I've painted a very dark picture on my canvas, but it represents reality as I perceive it. Adultery is not pleasant either to read or to write about, but I feel that someone must describe the sordid side of this sin. Night after night on television we see beautiful people jumping into bed with strangers and it all looks so exciting. Popular magazines tell us that sex, lots of sex with a variety of partners, is not only healthy but everyone is doing it. Ridiculous books like OPEN MARRIAGE make extramarital affairs sound like a tonic guaranteed to revitalize tired relationships. Alas, at times it seems like the entire world of entertainment is organized for the sold purpose of propagating that one enormous lie, and no one is effectively refuting it.
Book: Love Must Be Tough
By Dr. James Dobson