I must offer a very important clarification and precaution at this pointrelated to the task of shaping the will of strong-willed children. The reader might conclude from what I have written that I think of "little people" as the villains and their parents as the inevitable good guys. Of course that is nottrue. Children, including those who regularly challenge authority, are delightful little creatures who need buckets of love and understanding every day of their life. Furthermore, it is vitally important to establish a balanced environment for them, wherein discipline and occasional punishment are matched by patience and respect and affection. The "slap 'em across the mouth" approach to child management, even for a kid who is determined to break all the rules, is a disaster. It wounds not only the body but inflicts permanent damage on thespiritas well.
Our objective, then, is not simply to shape the will, but to do so without breaking the spirit. To understand this dual objective of parenting, we need to clarify the distinction between the will and the spirit. The will, as we have seen, represents one's deeply ingrained desire to have his or her way. The intensity of this passion for independence varies from person to person, but it exists to one degree or another in almost all human beings. It may not show up in very compliant individuals until the twenties, thirties, or even beyond, but the telltale signs are there, nonetheless, waiting to be expressed when the circumstances are right. The eating disorder anorexia, for example, is believed to be related to this muted self-will that eventually asserts itself over the issue of food. At least in this arena, the "good little girl," and relatively fewer "nice little boys," can gain a measure of control over his or her circumstances in adolescence or young adulthood, despite agonizing pleas and warnings of parents, doctors, and friends.
The self-will of a very independent child, by contrast, may be fully operational at birth. It is remarkable how early it can make its presence known. Studies of the neonatal period indicate that at two or three days of age, an infant is capable of manipulating parents to get what he wants and needs. In 1999, psychologist Amanda Woodward, a professor at the University of Chicago, released a study concluding that long before the child can talk, he or she is ableto size up adults and learn how to interact with them to his or her advantage.1 This finding would not be surprising to the parents of strong-willed infants who have walked the floor in the wee small hours, listening to their tiny baby making his wishes abundantly clear.
A year or two later, some toddlers can become so angry that they arecapable of holding their breath until they lose consciousness. Anyone who has ever witnessed this full measure of rage has been shocked by its power. It can also be quite audacious. The mother of one headstrong three-year-old told me her daughter refused to obey a direct command because, as she put it, "You're just a mommy, you know!" Another toddler screamed every time her mother grabbed her hand to guide her through a parking lot. She would yell at the top of her lungs: "Let go! You're hurting me!" The embarrassed mother, who was just trying to ensure her child's safety, would then have to deal with the hostile looksof other shoppers who thought she was abusing her child.
Truly, willfulness is a fascinating component of the human personality. It is not fragile or wobbly. It can and must be molded, shaped, and brought under the authority of parental leadership. Haven't you read news stories describing suicidal adults who stood on ledges or bridges, threatening to jump? Some of them have defied the combined forces of the Army, the Navy, and the Marine Corps, which sought desperately to save their lives. Even though these people had been emotionally sandbagged by life, their determination to control their
own destiny remained intact and functional. My point is that parents will not harm a child by taking steps to gain control of a child's rebellious nature, even though it sometimes involves confrontation, sternness, warnings, and, when appropriate, reasonable punishment. Only by accepting the inevitable challenges toparental authority and then by "winning" at those critical moments can parents teach a headstrong boy or girl civilized behavior. And only then will that child begiven the ability to control his or her own impulses in the years to come.
By Dr. James Dobson